Drugs Make You High
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: What happens when each of the MV characters get dosed with extra strong drugs? Claire first, then others to follow. Review and say who you want next. T for language and possible content in later oneshots. Possible character bashing. R&R 6. Oliver 7. Richard
1. Claire

_Doing the same thing for HP, but the idea __**was**__ for MV first!_

_I don't own anything!_

_For Vitzy… _

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_**Summary: what if all the characters got high, individually?**_

_Character bashing and such may apply…_

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Seeing Claire drunk is not something that many of the residents of Morganville expect to see; apparently she is a goody two shoes who seems to enjoy working with the vamps too much to be bothered to get drunk to wash away the pain.

Apparently seeing her high was along the same wavelength of people's thoughts.

"Jeez, who turned all these lights on?" she groans to herself as she walks through… the centre of town… at twilight. Not exactly the brightest idea but since she is alone and high on a combination of crack cocaine and LSD, self preservation is not high on her priorities list…

… getting some sunglasses to help her aching head is _much_ higher on there than that!

She staggers down the road, leaning against about five different cars (and accidentally scratching Monica's new convertible with her beaded bag) on her way, heading towards Common Grounds on the off chance that Oliver could have some sunglasses she could downright blag off of him… or maybe, if she is lucky, _Amelie_ could be in there and she could borrow hers!

So, in the end, Claire arrives at Common Grounds at the exact moment the sun fully sets and Morganville becomes the vamp's playground. Inside, the lights are even brighter and she groans, unable to believe that they could be as bright: it's like being under an interrogation light with the CIA or something!

"Yope, Ollypop," she manages to say with a smile as she half collapses on the counter in front of the pretend hippie. _He_ is the one who is supposed to be getting stoned not her! As she looks up through her drug addled haze, she mistakes his looks for… _James Lafferty_? Surely someone as hot as James Lafferty couldn't be Oliver! But it's the truth! "Wow, you're hot… can I ask you out for a drink?" she slurs, deciding that today would be the day she 'takes a stand' for feminism and ask a guy out…

He raises an eyebrow and thinks she is taking the piss – something which she isn't. "Excuse me, Claire?" he snaps at her, not realising that she is high on drugs which, by the way, were slipped to her by an unknown male at the university earlier that day! "You want to get thrown out into the streets for a snack?" he hisses in her ear but she, of course, thinks he is flirting.

"I know you're hot, Oliver, but I wouldn't go _that_ far with you yet," she giggles in a way that reminds him of Myrnin.

"Did that dog put you up to this?" he snaps at her, moving around the counter to lift her up… but she is a little unstable and he almost drops her with her limbs flailing. "Did he _drug_ you?" the penny finally drops as to why she is behaving so oddly as he takes her into his office. Of course, he has to blame Myrnin and wonders whether or not this is the opportune time to get Amelie to dispose of him: he is no longer useful.

She shrugs and giggles, stroking his face gently which irritates him because he doesn't _like_ _being manhandled_! But he drops her unceremoniously in the visitor's chair, which she promptly falls out of and immediately starts giggling about this on the floor.

"Amelie, come quick: Myrnin drugged Claire," Oliver gets to the point on the phone with his secret lover, hoping that his tone isn't _too_ happy for the addled Claire to remember when she wakes up with a bloody painful head the next day.

The portal opens and Claire groans as a burst of fresh light hits her head: she _doesn't like light so why do people keep turning lights on_?

She screams in annoyance before a face looms in front of her: Amelie!

"Amelie!" she exclaims, moving faster than Amelie thought possible to envelop her in a hug. "I love you, Mummy! You're _better_ than my Mummy!" she continues before pressing her lips to Amelie's for a 'mummy to daughter' kiss that a three year old would partake in. and yes, the spit was included for free.

Amelie throws her off and into the chair, embarrassed beyond belief. But she soon shuts Oliver up with a well placed slap and a reminder that he didn't even get that far with her…

"You _lurve_ her?" Claire accurately guesses as to Oliver's feelings for the perfect blonde Founder in front of her. Then she claps her hands together in glee. "Ollypop loves Ammie! Ollypop loves Blondie!" she chants, besides herself with happiness that the princess gets James Lafferty's lookalike.

Amelie rolls her eyes again before knocking Claire out for twenty four hours to let the drugs die off…

…that is what happened when _Claire_ was drugged. The end.

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_Whatcha think?_

_Please review!_

_Who do you want next in the saga of characters to be drugged up?_

_Vicky xx_


	2. Myrnin

_I don't own anything_

_Thanks for the reviews last time! Also… Michael/Eve/Monica are in the running, it's just I needed the inspiration to write those and the only one that worked (Amelie's is half done now) was Myrnin…_

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"He's _pwiddy_!" Myrnin, disturbingly, says as he points at the ugly mug of Oliver, whose eyebrows raise at this.

"What is _with_ this weekend and people thinking you are physically pleasing, Oliver?" Amelie asks rhetorically, pinching the bridge of her forehead as she contemplates what is going on. It is evident that Myrnin is on the same combination of the drugs as Claire was yesterday – she made a full recovery – but, if she is honest, she doesn't see _that_ much difference to his normal state of being. He is just as crazy normally; the only difference really is that he wouldn't be as complimentary of Oliver.

The object of everyone's affections at the current moment in time, Oliver, rolls his eyes at this quite evident jibe from Amelie. "Well at least people don't run from me if they see me," he attacks back, but the insult simply makes her eyebrows rise in amusement.

"Oliver, it is _you_ they run from: I at least have the looks of a normal human woman who may be soft on the eyes whereas _you_ appear like a paedophile, to say the least," she shoots back.

This makes the high, already semi forgotten man, Myrnin whoop and clap his hands in agreement with Amelie's statement which causes the attention to be reverted to him. this, of course, makes the already vain man decide that he wants to do something _crazy_ to make them all _admire_ him more than they already do.

The only thing he can think of in this current time is a little kissy, kissy time with either Amelie or the _really_ hot Ollypop! Well, honestly, Amelie scares him: the whole 'mess with me and I will kill you' thing she has going on… well, the way that she is looking at him suggests to him that she wouldn't be very happy.

But Oliver: his eyes are huge and _purple_ – Myrnin doesn't know why – whilst his lips seem so damned red… totally kissable, totally perfect for him to be with. And the fact that he is smaller (_yes_, smaller, Myrnin can choose his _own_ vocab, you know) in both age and appearance, so he can't try and kill him for this. So, surreptitiously (or he thinks it is), he begins to snake across the room to Oliver, who seems surprised that Myrnin is moving closer to him. yet he doesn't dare move closer to Amelie, so stays in the same place…

… A decision which he regrets mere moments later, when Myrnin's hands clench his shoulders and his head moves closer to his own. "Get off of me, you fool!" he yells as the lips of the curly haired man descend towards his… and then they hit them with a loud and wet SMACK!

Myrnin realises with a start that he is _enjoying_ this much more than he thought he would do, his kissing technique refining itself as his thrusts his tongue in the unwilling mouth of Oliver, who fights as hard as possible to get the crazy and drugged scientist off of him.

He wouldn't have managed to escape if Myrnin didn't then decide that he doesn't _want_ to be kissing Oliver… no, he wants to kiss little Claire, his assistant and fellow scientist. He has… well, he doesn't love her but the desire to kiss her has been there for so long and now that he has the influence of the drugs over him, he may as well take advantage of the excuse: he doesn't _think_ he is drugged, but Amelie said he is.

He can go and see his fellow drugged person, can't he? That'll be funny!

So he releases Oliver, the released person heaving to try and remove the mass of spit Myrnin's intrusive kiss left in his mouth, and turns around. Everything seems so much brighter than normal, almost as if he has left the new light he made on in the lab and the effects are radiating across the entire town. And it is so _shiny_; everything seems nice and new, strange but pretty patterns appearing across everything in the room.

Amelie's face changes shape as he looks at her, elongating and the chin squaring off so she looks more like a man. "Whoever gave you that plastic surgery, Amelie, ought to be shot: you look more like a man than you did before," the high scientist sniggers at his 'joke' which only succeeds in making Amelie's face contort further.

She makes to grab him but he staggers away towards the portal, dashing through it into the Glass House, where the person he wants to see is sitting with her boyfriend and two best friends. Oh yeah, Myrnin forgot about the fact that 'his' Claire is dating the smelly boy called Shane.

"You, boy," he clicks his fingers at Shane and slurs his words, alerting the three humans to his presence with a start for them. "You smell of poo… it isn't very pleasant, I would recommend sorting that incontinence issue you have as well," Myrnin continues, glee filling his tone as he realises he doesn't _want_ to kiss Claire…

… he just wants to insult her.

Shane shakes his head slightly but the wave of embarrassment that passes over his face suggests to the others in there that Myrnin is telling the truth, that Shane has an issue with his toilet timing.

"You, get a hairdresser – you look like a giant spider and smell not much better," he laughs spitefully at Eve, whose rolling of her eyes is the only reaction she has… _he's high_, she realises with a laugh at the same time as a concerned Claire does.

"You need to get a life coach," Eve snaps back at him before he can get onto insulting Michael or Claire. This stuns Myrnin enough to, even in his drugged state, stop the insults and look at Eve in genuine interest.

"A life coach – someone to tell me how to kill?" he gets the wrong end of the stick entirely, making them all regret Eve's words. "I cannot _believe_ we vampires haven't cashed into that market yet: that would be perfect! After all, there are all the aspiring human murderers and some of our vampire residents seem to have an issue with killing," he continues, rubbing his hands together with glee with a pointed look at Michael.

"Go ask Amelie," Claire says in a flat voice, challenging him.

"I will," he says proudly, disappearing with a grin through the portal. This makes them all look at _Claire_ now, knowing that Amelie will indulge her pet alchemist anything… so long as he is sane.

"Oh, chill, he's high – Eve can tell," she rolls her eyes and flips them off, refocusing on the tv until the disgruntled noises make her continue. "If he was being sane, he wouldn't go to Amelie. As I have a _pretty_ good idea that since she is in a bad mood after yesterday, he is staying away from her… particularly, also, as she just received her statement as to how much he spent on equipment for the lab and food for Bob," she smiles…

… through the portal comes the unmistakeable sounds of Myrnin screaming… in pain or not? That is the question!

* * *

_Whatcha think?_

_Please review!_

_Vicky xx_


	3. Michael

_Michael_

_Thanks to the people who reviewed & said about this: I was going to do something similar anyway but…_

_I don't own anything_

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"What is _with_ this town?" Amelie questions herself, placing her forefingers on her temples delicately. First Claire, then Myrnin and now _Michael_; why on _earth_ is everybody suddenly on crack?

Part of her is fearful that she will be subjected to the humiliating events that have surrounded two of Morganville's most prized residents, but the rest of her doesn't care: it is 11pm and she wishes to sleep, hence the reason she is in bed! So she rolls over and shuts her ears to the ruckus from the Glass House, deciding in her head that she will have Myrnin strengthen _every_ portal system, just incase any of the other residents decide to have arguments at such an ungodly hour.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the Glass House, absolute _shit_ is going down. You want to know how?

Try the fact that Michael is getting it on with his best friend's girl… and both his best friend _and_ his girlfriend are sitting in there with him. Oh yeah, that's pretty awkward.

So, let's go _right _back to the beginning…

* * *

Michael walks into the house with more than a sunburnt tinge to his skin, but less than third degree burns. Well, walk is more of a stretch: it's more like he stumbles in, acting like a drunken maniac… actually; he is just acting like Shane did last week when he went and got pissed with his new friends down at the pub. So some of the Glass House residents (namely Eve and Claire) giggle as they think that Michael is simply imitating Shane, rather than realising that Michael is high!

"Hey, honey!" Eve giggles as she moves closer to Michael as he walks in through the hallway whilst the other three are sitting in the lounge. But he ignores her, however, and simply looks as if he is going to be sick. That causes the grin to fall off of her face and she reaches out to him. "Michael, are you ok?" she asks but he ignores her _again_ and stumbles past her.

He walks into the kitchen and takes a swig of his blood which someone dropped off fresh this morning to work up the dutch courage to do what he does next. Here, he swaggers out (no longer stumbling, which is always a bonus for someone who claims to be so sure footed) of the kitchen and into the living room, where the gang are now watching television.

His vision distorts so he thinks the girl standing up in front of him is _Eve_, not Claire.

_She's pretty_, he thinks with a grin on his face, much more crude images of what he could do to her in his head but it has been decided not to report these thoughts for fear that the reported item could be removed.

"I love you," he says to Claire, who is now apparently Eve in Michael's eyesight. Everyone silences, Shane and the _real_ Eve not able to move or even to talk, simply stare at their supposed best friend/boyfriend who has just told their best friend/girlfriend that he loves her.

"Michael, I think you have the wrong gi-" she begins to protest until he closes the gap between them. He grasps her forearms roughly and pulls her into him, bending over to press his lips to hers. Unlike her kiss with Amelie, this is entirely passionate and he begins to stick his tongue in her mouth without even waiting for her to kiss him back.

With him thinking that this is Eve, he contemplates her attempts to fight him off as more of a 'I want you' thing, so he begins to do things which cause the two people watching this to gasp and finally get into action. Eve rushes out of the room (not particularly helpful) whilst Shane, boiling with anger, stands up and shoves himself into Claire and Michael, causing him to land on top of Claire who lands on top of Michael, who just thinks that Claire is actually Eve and that Shane wants Eve. Complicated…

"What's your _problem_, man?" Michael questions angrily, sitting upright.

"My problem is that you are hitting on my girlfriend!" Shane retorts in an even angrier tone if that is possible, sitting upright and pulling Claire with him.

"I think he's high," Claire accurately presumes, recognising symptoms of when _she_ was high and kissed Amelie. She blushes but Shane doesn't notice or hear her, simply continues to verbally attack Michael, who then decides to throw him into the wall. "Michael! There's no need for that!" she screams at him, but he doesn't hear her.

All he does is walk over to his 'Eve' and sticks his tongue down her throat again, pulling her into him. The _real_ Eve is sobbing in a corner of the kitchen, whilst Shane landed on the stereo, so a lot of loud music is playing…

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Amelie cannot sleep with this, so, after another fifteen minutes, she gets up in her negligee and has a furious expression. She wouldn't even get up if _Sam_ has returned from the grave, she likes her sleep that much, so as she wrenches open the portal door, she is fuming.

"What is _this_!" she screams, noticing Michael basically raping Claire, sees a bleeding Shane in the corner and feebly stirring and can hear Eve in the other room. Then she relaxes, remembering what it was like to be young. "Oh, children… do whatever you want… so long as you keep it quiet."

And with that, she closes the door and leaves them to it, throwing an extra pillow over her head.

The end.

* * *

_Who do you want__ next?_

_Review please_

_Vicky xx_


	4. Monica

_Monica_

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Claire's first thought as she walks to class and is grabbed by someone? Five cents to a dollar that it is Monica… and she is right.

"Claire!" Monica giggles, wrapping her arm around Claire's neck as if they are life long buddies and they _always_ hang out. Something about the pitch of her voice and the way she is clinging to Claire so tightly indicates to her that Monica has been drugged, just like she, Myrnin and Michael have been.

Claire's second thought: who on _earth_ would drug people in this town? She thinks up the names of Oliver and Amelie, but why would _they_ want to do such a thing? Then again, when Claire was being physically assaulted by Michael, Amelie didn't do anything about it, just went back to bed… and _she_ called Oliver James Lafferty…something she continues to cringe about.

But back to the present and the fact that Monica is the latest victim of the mystery drugger who has risen this time in the university to make the bitchiest girl in the entire town (Claire debates the entire world… or at least America) high. And she doesn't seem too bad, to be honest, just like one of those cheerleaders who feel the need to _touch_ people all the time.

"Monica, I'm _Claire_ remember, the one who you hate?" Claire reminds the drugged girl gently, not wanting to be mean to her because, well, she remembers with too much clarity what she did when she was drugged merely days ago.

"Hate? Don't be silly, I _love_ you!" Monica warbles on, suddenly breaking out into a _very_ strange rendition of Olly Murs' 'Please Don't Let Me Go', which doesn't seem to really fit but it is what she decides to start singing.

And then, as she sings, her grip on Claire gets tighter as they begin to almost waltz down the path towards the town… Claire decides that heading for Common Grounds could be the best option because she can get rid of her in there, since Oliver is her Patron and everything. He has a responsibility to make sure that she is ok… yet so does Amelie and she _knocked Claire out_ rather than help her… on the other hand, Claire _did_ sort of kiss her with a lot of spit, so it sort of evens out.

"Monica, maybe you could shut up?" Claire suggests weakly, not able to hear the girl killing one of the best songs of the past year any longer. She has had _cats_ that can sing better than that in the middle of being strangled, which is _not_ a compliment towards Monica's voice.

"I can't shut up, Claire!" Monica whines, digging her phone out of her bag. "Because, you see, I have like _tonnes_ of money in my bank and I need to give some to you because, no offence bestie, but your clothes are a _little_ outdated," of course, the cruelty of Monica's tongue would follow through to her being drugged, but with a sort of blunting of it so that it isn't as bad as normal.

"It's fine," she protests, pulling Monica faster towards Common Grounds in the hope that she can get there before she tells someone to transfer all her money to Claire Danvers. Unfortunately, Monica has the bank on speed dial and has the phone to her ear, just as Common Grounds comes into sight.

"Hello, this is Monica, yes, you know who I am," she drawls, a giggle in the back of her throat. "I want to transfer _all_ my money into Claire Danvers' account… _yes_ I am feeling ok, I want to give my friend a present!" she says before divulging the necessary information in order for this transaction to be processed.

She hangs the phone up and wraps Claire up in another bear hug, waiting for her to react with as much excitement as she squeals in her ear.

"Congrats, Monica, you've just blown my eardrums out," Claire mutters sourly, but Monica doesn't recognise this in her tone, simply skips with Claire down to the coffee shop. "No coffee for Monica," she murmurs to herself, deciding that a caffeine boost for someone already high wouldn't be a good idea.

She sits Monica down at the table nearest the counter and walks across to Oliver, shaking slightly as she remembers how crazy she was mere days ago. "Monica is high," she says simply, cutting across his opening mouth which was probably going to comment on the renaming of him as James Lafferty.

His eyebrows raise, just as Amelie emerges from his office, looking slightly rumpled but in such a way that Claire would never comment on anything for fear of death. "Did I hear that correctly?" she asks, directing this at Claire who blushes and nods. "Oliver, go see her," Amelie orders coolly, something evidently having gone down between the two of them.

He nods and heads across to the drugged girl who is now singing 'Change is Gonna Come', also by Olly Murs, and crouches down in front of her. "Monica, are you alright?" he asks her in as gentle a voice as he can give, just as Amelie talks to Claire.

"What happened to her?"

Claire shrugs. "I found her when she grabbed me and told me I was her best friend and she has just transferred all her money into my account," she says with a small smile, causing Amelie to shake her head delicately.

Before she can reply, Monica screams out: "OH MY GOD, HE IS TRYING TO RAPE ME! EWWW, OLD MAN, GET OFF OF ME! HELP, SOMEONE HELP!"

Claire puts her head in her hands as everyone mills round Oliver and Monica, herding him away from her as she shrieks. That is, until Amelie moves across and takes Monica into the back office, leaving Claire there alone…

After about five minutes and Monica is yet to appear, so Claire heads into the back to find out what is going on. here, she finds Amelie sitting there, reading a book as if nothing has happened.

"Where is Monica?" Claire demands, hating the human but not wanting her to be dead because she is high.

"Oliver took her somewhere, I don't know where," Amelie responds, her voice showing she _really_ doesn't care. "Biscuit?" she proffers a plate to Claire who looks in horror… as she hears a scream from another room.

Ahh well, she decides after a moment of torment, it's only Monica.

* * *

_Thoughts?_

_Who next?_

_Vicky xx_


	5. Eve

_Thanks for the reviews – sorry for the long update; had lots to do and this sort of fell to the bottom of the pile, I'm afraid!_

_I don't own anything_

_Eve_

_Vitzy, you better be happy with the storyline I'm putting in here!_

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Eve walks up towards Common Grounds, under the illusion that she still works here. She doesn't remember that she quit a good year or so ago, when she found out that a) Oliver is a vampire and b) he was the one who turned her lover Michael into a ghost, which then meant he had to turn vamp to get out of the damned house.

But, unsurprisingly for this town, Eve is on some mixture of drugs she got from her brother who told her that it was just some sugar to add to her brownies she was making. Only she ate them, since Claire is 'on a diet' after the amount of crap she ate when she was high, Shane ran out of the house since he's still not talking to Michael and Michael was still asleep when she made them – there's a difference between sleeping late for a vampire and it being plain ridiculous!

She walks straight into the café and heads up to the counter, ignoring the quizzical looks some of the 'in the know' people give her – they are aware of her hatred for Oliver, how she never comes in here, so why _is_ she?

Or maybe it's just the absence of her Goth makeup. Either option's about as likely as the other.

Ducking behind the barrier that separates the employees only section from the rest of the bar, she slips the red and white striped apron over her head, her eyes dancing crazily as she looks around the café. She's _missed_ this place, missed the warmth of the atmosphere – who _cares_ if the owner is a vampire? a hot, slightly older but in a distinguished manner… one who makes her blush and smile and _everything_ happen called Oliver!

"Eve, what are you doing here?" the man of the moment steps out of his office, his hair tied back in a ponytail, his expression confused as he looks at Eve. "I could have sworn that you quit last year," he continues, sighing as he processes in his mind that he _isn't_ going crazy, that she _did_ quit.

She looks at him like he's a piece of meat, imagining reaching up and kissing him – he looks _awesome_ to kiss, as if nobody has 'tainted' him yet – or at least been memorable like she will be.

"I…I can't remember, but I want to work," she says confidently, deciding that this'll be the way to get close to him until she can make her move…a move which will _probably_ be made in the next few minutes (an hour if she decides to wait for a bit) since, well, the author here isn't in a good enough mood to make it last longer and, anyway, the cocaine will be out of her system soon.

"Ok then," Oliver rolls his eyes, wondering why he bothers to hire human idiots – and the girls are the worst. Why he hasn't given in and allowed Myrnin to populate Morganville with robots is beyond him.

Eve squeals and reaches out to hug him (honestly, guys, it's only a _hug_) which he doesn't appreciate, but doesn't back away from…part of him staying closer than others.

"Has the events of the past few weeks _still_ not sated your desire for human girls, Oliver?" a cool voice behind him – Amelie – says, resulting in him pushing away Eve and turning back to his 'one twu luv' who doesn't love him.

"Not at all, Amelie, she was simply being hormonal," he answers fluidly, causing Amelie to raise an eyebrow delicately…he then realises that he shouldn't have said that.

For the next couple of hours, Eve works her socks off behind the counter, the drugs seemingly an aid to her work speed as she contemplates how to corner Oliver so she can _have_ him. She loves him, she thinks, but he doesn't stay near to her for a long enough time for her to act.

Michael and the other two who live with her – she's forgotten their names – walk into the café and call her name, surprised to see her there. But she doesn't bother with them; she can see Oliver is in the corner of the room, unable to escape if she blocks him in there. So she runs, screaming loudly to draw attention to herself so he can't use vamp speed to get away (always a bright brain inside a Goth girl's head), and bumps her body into him with breakneck speed.

"Oliver!" she squeals, Amelie returning from the other side of the room to watch this exchange with amusement. She pulls her camera phone out surreptitiously (Claire taught her how to use it) and begins to record this moment, Eve looking surprisingly normal for someone on as many drugs as she is.

"What _now_, Eve?" he says wearily, his patience thin on the ground as he tries to get away. But she continues to hold onto him, thinking thoughts akin to those of those who read Southern Vampire Mysteries, and begins to whisper in his ear.

"I love you, Ollypop," she grins slightly, Michael on the other side of the room breaking a plate as he hears this. "Oliver, you are my star, my angel, the biggest and bestest thing in my life, the _only_ thing I need. To feel you under me is heaven; I _love_ you!" she continues, a blush rising on his cheeks (who knew vampires could blush) as she gets mushier and mushier, the meaning behind her words changing.

"Get off of me," he snaps but she refuses, leaning in for the kiss that will make her life.

She presses her lips to his, not hating him, and he doesn't resist, knowing this way it will be over faster… or that's the case with the other girls. With Eve, this only drives her on more, pulling him further into her as the entire audience in the room wolfwhistle (Michael left with the other two roommates she can't remember the names of) and Amelie laughs softly.

"Come with me," he says to her as she lets him go, a false belief running through her that he wants her as well. So she walks with him into the office and he locks the door, his fangs sliding down.

_What is _with_ people and kissing Oliver_, Amelie thinks out in the café area, having already sent the video to Myrnin to be put on Youtube or whatever the site is that people use nowadays.

And, as she thinks this, she hears a scream – whether of delight or fear, she doesn't know. _Uhoh_.

* * *

_Thoughts?_

_Lol, Vitzy, I got as many innuendos in there as possible _

_Don't fav/alert without reviewing please…and review if you've read as well, thank you._

_Vicky xx_


	6. Oliver

_I don't own anything_

* * *

_**Oliver**_

* * *

For the past couple of weeks, he's had the straw that's either short or long, dependant on the way you look at it. In some ways, it's bloody awful because he's had attention from the girls he doesn't want – and they're _humans _– but, in other ways, it's good because he's getting attention…and that's not normally the case for someone like Oliver.

It gets him down that people think he's ugly, but he gets over it…usually. It normally hurts more when Amelie rejects him, because he _lurves_ her and it's so _hard_ to admit that she doesn't love him back.

"Why does this happen to me?" he groans as he serves people in Common Grounds. damned Myrnin put the video of him and Eve kissing on Youtube and apparently people from Washington want to discuss "appropriate affections" with him…basically to tell him he's a paedo and he needs to get girls his own age.

"Because you smell of poo," Myrnin pops up next to him, handing him over his drink. "Drink up, apparently it's meant to make the smell disappear," he laughs manically as he runs out of the café again, causing Oliver to question his sanity.

…

Within an hour, everything looks so much brighter, the patches of colour on the girl's cheeks bright crimson and smelling so _tasty_, the boys looking like dour wet patches for some reason – maybe his eyes are malfunctioning.

And he realises he's thirsty.

Well, he's the boss: he can decide whether or not he drinks from people, can't he? And maybe Amelie'll love someone who'll kill, so she knows she'll have someone to provide for her when they get married.

So he stands on a table, motioning for the final vampire in the café to lock the door, and waves a piece of paper in the air. He looks extremely drunk and he almost falls off the table three or four times as he tries to get his balance, which isn't the greatest of things, especially when he opens his mouth.

And a huge burp happens.

"Ewww," all the girls say, leaning away as the boys wonder who the hell he is, before remembering he's the paedophile who replaced Charles.

"Not to alarm any of you, but I have locked the building and I am going to eat you all," he announces proudly, unable to see any of them besides triangles and squares – these shapes simply because they were the first thing that came to his mind when he thought of Amelie. "You are all smelly, gitty, things and I despise you all. So I want to eat you."

The humans exchange glances of horror before simultaneously bursting into laughter. "You're an old past it dude who…_really_ needs to take a shower," the most confident of the boys stands up and tells him this straight to his face…something that really makes Oliver feel upset because he's standing on a _table_ and he's only as tall as the boy who doesn't have a table.

"You look gay," he comments back to the boy, only seeing a girl there with pink tights and a manly face to make him register it's maybe a boy.

"GET HIM!" the very masculine jock calls to the group of other jocks in the café who take advantage of the locked door by all pouncing on the elderly vampire and pummelling everything out of him possible.

"Excuse me," Amelie's cold voice interrupts them mid-kick and Oliver thinks that he's seeing an angel. He wants to get up and kiss her but he can't because there's a man sitting in a rather painful place on his body, meaning he can't move. "You instigate an attack against one of my own and don't bother to tell me?" she continues, rolling her eyes as she reads Oliver's mouthed **I love you**.

"Well, we thought you'd kill us," the leader of the attack tells her honestly.

"I have seen nothing," she is cold in her words, her eyes casting a cursory glance over Oliver before she retreats from the room.

However, Oliver thinks that _she_ is the one now sitting on his _manhood_ and it makes him all the more desperate to pin 'her' down so he can kiss her and not let her leave. So he uses the energy brought in the pinks and oranges of his lack of sight to kill all the other attackers – who he thinks are little Claire and Eve figures, trying to steal Amelie from him…though this makes no sense – and finally pins down the big jock under his body.

"I have loved you for so long," Oliver whispers, stroking the boy's face. "And, as usual, you smell divine."

Then he kisses the boy so hard and so long he chokes him to death.

…

Whilst still under the influence of drugs, Oliver tries to kiss another three men thinking they're Amelie as he is arrested for murder and taken to the police station.

He is locked up.

Dah-dah!

* * *

_So, who do you want next?_

_Don't__ fav/alert without reviewing please and thanks_

_Vicky xx_


	7. Richard

_I don't own anything_

**_Richard_**

Ok, so I sort of forgot about this series of oneshot crackfic things-whatever it is.

But it's back, and I'll update it sporadically, though there is a VERY slight plotline to the 'series' of these.

* * *

Richard is worried; in the past few days alone, there have been six members of Morganville affected by some mysterious combination of drugs that have caused them to go, for want of a better word, _loopy_. Given that one of this number has been his sister, Monica, and one has been the second oldest vampire in town, Oliver, Richard has made the executive decision to push it up his priorities list.

Now, it's numero uno.

Unfortunately for him, he's next on the list to be affected by the mysterious compound.

…

Sitting in the council meeting alongside Hannah, Amelie and the recently released from jail Oliver, Richard begins to fidget. "Mr Morrell, are you quite alright?" Amelie asks him sharply, her eyes focusing on the man sitting next to Hannah.

"Yes, are you alright, Richard?" Hannah presses, and as Richard looks up from his papers, the first thing he sees is Hannah's face.

He _loves_ Hannah; he'd quite happily spend all of his spare time kissing her if he could—and yet here they are, sitting in a room, together, and they're not doing anything.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Hannah shrieks as Richard launches himself at her, throwing himself from his chair and half on top of her with one relatively graceful movement.

If grace is being compared to elephants trying to be gymnasts, that is.

Richard shrugs slightly, shuffling to be more on top of Hannah than he was before, a smile on his lips. "I know you want me—you said you wanted me last night—so, since we've nothing better to do, why don't we _now_?" he waggles his eyebrows and moves in to kiss the stunned police chief.

It takes a full ten seconds for Hannah to react to Richard kissing her, and a further five seconds for her to knee him in the balls so hard that he soon recoils onto the floor.

"I'm so, _so_ sorry, Founder; I don't know what's the matter with him." Richard can hear Hannah apologising to Amelie from where he's on the floor, and he shuffles to be crouched, his hands on the desk.

Slowly, he lifts his head above the line of the wood, and notices that Amelie's expression is not amused; in fact, she looks both worried and as though she wants to destroy him, simultaneously. Oliver, on the other hand, is sitting quiet, looking down, as though he's recalling how he was like when he was like Richard—but Richard doesn't care, because he's _here_, with Hannah!

Not taking no for an answer, he shuffles towards her again, smiling. "You said we could sleep together again tonight, Hannah, so why not do it now?" he presses, staggering to his feet. "But when you got me in the nuts, that _hurt_. Why did you do it, Hannah?"

She begins to shout at him, telling him he's drugged or insane or _something_, because they're in the middle of a council meeting, when Richard is getting bored; all he wants to do is kiss Hannah again, but he's scared that she'll attack him again.

His memory goes a bit fuzzy, and for a few moments he believes that he's still a police officer…and that he's wearing the uniform.

And so Richard decides to strip for Hannah.

"Mr Morrell, dress _now_!" Amelie orders, her voice cold and sharp as Richard removes his jacket, shoes and socks, his eyes on Hannah all the time.

"Richard, stop this!" Hannah yells, but Richard reaches out to push the girl against the wall, before he steps up to her.

"I know you want me," he whispers seductively. "I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!" he then suddenly shouts, the change in volume startling everyone besides Richard. The drugs ensure that he's not scared.

Hastily, he removes the majority of his clothes, before he's left standing in his boxers.

"Get him," Richard hears Amelie say to Oliver, and he knows somewhere in his mind, that Oliver will be after him.

So as quickly as possible, Richard pulls down his underwear and stares into Hannah's eyes, looking for the love he saw there last night when they spent the evening making out in his office.

Instead, there's only fear and revulsion.

Richard is sad.

…

Within another thirty seconds, Oliver has Richard in his arms and is knocking him unconscious with a good mind trick—ok, he's draining his blood to the point that the mayor turns unconscious, not dead.

"Well, at least there's one improvement in the situation," Amelie says dryly, watching as the mayor she thought was quite good drops to the floor.

"And what's that?" Oliver hisses, though he's rather happy because a) the new attack means that his indiscretions are half forgotten and b) he got a lot of blood from a human's neck, something he never normally gets any longer.

"Those affected by the drug are no longer addled in the brain to believe that _you_ are flattering to the eye!" Amelie replies, and with that, she leaves the room.

Oliver leaves, too, as does Hannah after a brief pause by Richard's immobile, naked body.

This meeting hasn't exactly gone to plan…

* * *

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